You know you said a harsh word or have done wrong ... You want to ask forgiveness, and at the same time, this seems insurmountable to apologize. Why is it so painful? Lighting Maryse Vaillant, a clinical psychologist, author of the book include his parents to forgive.
Ask forgiveness implies to mend our ways and pay more attention to the other as oneself. It is trying to preserve the relationship, a pacifying approach difficult.
Ask forgiveness difficult to recognize his faults
"Asking forgiveness is to recognize a mistake" says Maryse Vaillant, a clinical psychologist. However, we prefer to be right and reject the other behind our fault: "It is because of him I made a mistake". Thus, children often say: "It is he who has begun!" Why do we agree to mend our ways? "By recognizing this mistake, we try to intervene on the other so that the relationship is not broken" said Maryse Vaillant.
Then preferred not to be right but maintain the relationship by stopping to impute to another the responsibility for the crisis, "she says." Ask forgiveness, is to step back from his own narcissism , pay more attention to itself as a relationship "says the psychologist. This is not without difficulty:" Admit that the other is more important than ourselves makes us a difficult psychological position. It is difficult to leave his own narcissism, to abandon its position of victim and recognize its share of error "she adds.
Especially if we did not want to apologize for years! After, "the difficulty depends on the thing that blames herself and the relationship with the person that is estimated to be aggrieved" says the psychologist.
Ask for forgiveness: an act focused on the relationship
"Asking forgiveness is an act in two movements," says Maryse Vaillant.
The first movement is self-centered: "I regret my actions, my words ...". It may be motivated by a need for inner peace, a guilt.
The second focuses on the other: "I want you to forgive me the pain you felt my doing." It is a relational needs peace.
"Thus, in a request for forgiveness, it is well to express the regret of his own fault then apologize, his desire for forgiveness, without forcing the other to forgive" advises Maryse Vaillant. Some do not succeed. "The paranoid personalities are unable to recognize their faults because they're always right, they are always the victims," said Maryse Vaillant. Conversely, the more depressed people tend to apologize too. The board of psychologist? Do not apologize for anything and everything, there are these crises must not avoid.
Ask for forgiveness: the right words and fitness
Once the process started, the decision, it will take the plunge ... And it's not always easy to know how to go ...
"It is important to find the right moment and fitness for forgiveness," says Maryse Vaillant. Is it necessary to apologize in writing or orally? "It depends on the extent of guilt and resentment mounted as much as the feeling of guilt" says the psychologist. The oral form should be commonplace in conflicts. "By cons, if one is angry with his sister for 10 years, a letter is necessary. This form allows you to weigh his words, to keep track and it gives the person receiving the letter in time to understand, reflect "she says. Words count too. "Avoid the word forgiveness, which is very commonplace," said Maryse Vaillant. Instead, try saying: "I'm sorry (e), I should not have you talking like that, you do that, I regret what I said or what I did ...". Finally, for the psychologist, it should "give a certain solemnity to the request for forgiveness if the matter public."
Finally, remember that: "Ask forgiveness, mend our ways, it is not easy but it is an adult position, high maturity, which brings inner peace" says Maryse Vaillant. Do not forget!